Isn't this b-e-a-utiful?

¿Te quiero? No, no te quiero. ¿Quién podría querer a un pedazo de carne como tú? Te hablo, tú ni lo adviertes; te ignoro, me idolatras.
¿Te odio? No, no te odio. El odio no existe. Sólo quiero quemarme, destruir mi cerebro; que cuando diga tu nombre, yo sangre; que mi garganta salga por mi boca y se encuentre podrida, deshecha. Quiero sentir ese vacío en mi cráneo, sentir nada.
Dejé de ser humana cuando te conocí; gané demonios, ellos me dejan dormir, me entumen y me recuerdan que aún puedo soñar. Gracias a ellos cuando me miro al espejo me reconozco; me observo y me encuentro parada de nuevo. Ahora me idolatro y me amo más que nunca.
Todo gracias a ti.

Everything tingles in my ear, if only I could hear your alienated and drunken spirit that flies around me; I would feel fantastic; I would be the key to the equation.
Is that really me, boy?...I am feeling schizophrenic, burning acids, feeling like falling into a coma.
Now here come the aliens for us aliens. I feel claustrophobia, absolutely soulless, lifeless; my skull is dry, I can sense the void, yet the choice belongs to me; to find a path that gets to you, but it's like crossing the goddamn Atlantic.
You fucking outsmart me, people say you do, I didn't want to believe it. Now I'll forever sink in your dead sea, swallowing all the rests of our past life and being the queen of my own disgrace.
I would've loved to make you vibrate.... exaggerate... I am in my death throes, but do not be deluded because I am now on the other side of normal and I realize I am the one I love, I am the one I need. Joy belongs to me, it tickles in my head. I have found my eternal self...

ALL I WANT
Is a guy to fall in love with and stay in love with.
someone who loves me for me, and everything about me.
someone who I'm good enough for, so they'll never need someone else.
someone who's always there for me & doesn't lie about stupid shit.
someone who's straight forward and doesn't go around the bush.
someone who I never have an awkward moment with & if we ever have one then laugh about it instead of being idiots.
where I'm the first thing on their mind when they wake up,
and the last thing on their mind before they go to bed.
someone I can tell all my problems to.
someone who truly cares about me.
someone who makes me happy, and I can make them happy in return.
someone who falls in love with me, and shows everyday that they're still in love.
and stays in love.
someone i can always count on.
someone who isn't embarrassed to show their feelings towards me.
someone with whom i can do stupid stuff without feeling embarrassed or bad about it.
I want to be the only one, to be perfect for him and he to be perfect for me.

Things like this may never come my way, i just have to wait and see


Well enough gibbering about pointless shit
G'night

She looks in the mirror but she does not see herself, she doesn't recognize herself, she sees a woman of
broken spirits and a drunken mind, one who searches for the satisfaction of the end, a woman
of apathy, eyes that don't see, but eyes that forget.
This woman longs for the end, but is never given that luxury and is
instead stuck with what feels like an eternity of ...blackened and broken hearts, so
heavy they sink her along with everyone she cares for, or once cared for. Longing for the end she searches the depths of her mind, attempting to find what seems as the brighter side of her unavoidable demise. But all her efforts are in vain, frowned upon by friends, family, and the tangled mass of society, she now has a sense of pity, as she now fully comprehends this task at hand many call life, she pities those less fortunate and whom cannot see what is now brightly blinding right before is her.

She now lies dormant...

I sometimes feel like I'm such a walking cliché. Being a commitment phobic doesn't make me seem edgy, more different or more complex. It's a fact, but has just been called out on by one of my best friends the other day. He told me that he just noticed how I seem to be falling into an easy habit of making out with everything that moves when I'm a "bit" drunk. As a girl who has just finished her first year of university, i mean the great year after high school, that's probably normal, but after he said that, I have realised it has become a lifestyle, one that is kind of hard to break.

I believe in amazing love songs, cry at the sappiest ending in films, imagine relationships as a creative outlet...These signs point to 'romantic', so why then, do I not let myself believe and fall all the way in?

I have fallen before, let my guard down, with an overemotional guy i met in high school, I have fallen before, for someone who was bad for me, and I have tried to fall for someone who was nice, who was constant, but I ended up running anyway. I have recently fallen again, for a guy who lives halfway across the world, one who I may not see again for a few years.

We've known each other since i was 17, and we keep re connecting different parts of 'us' (if I can even call it that), whenever we can. As time goes on and we try less and less, it becomes a shock to finally meet again, and to learn how much we have both changed, both physically and emotionally.

He kisses just like I hoped and wanted him to, and somewhere along the line, the commitment phobic began to give pieces of herself she never really did.

When I put my head on his strong shoulders, I felt safe, I felt stable. I felt like the feeling didn't send me running in the opposite direction. I have let my guards down before, but this time, it felt promising, instead of unstable. I don't really want to know what that could mean. How could a commitment phobic fall so fast?

The night he went away for something i just don't know, I told him about my fear of vulnerability, of sensitivity, and he took it. He said it was normal, and during the conversation I kept telling myself to pull away, to not get too attached because I don't know when he'll be back again. He said it could be a few years.

I don't like commitment, I get scared of giving someone parts of me that they could break. I don't like admitting to feelings, even though I have a lot of them. So while I'm smiling at the fact that this could be left open ended, I am telling myself that there's no way we'll maintain this myspace-AIM flirtation for long. I am an optimist for life but a terrible cynic for love.

I know that he'll be at the back of my mind for a while, so while I do my 'single girl' thing, maybe there'll be a fraction of me that would feel like I'm cheating on someone who is halfway across the world.

I might just allow myself to fall someday, if not with him, then someone else. But him, my 'open ended boy', has taught me, in the span of two years, that maybe falling (if not cautiously) may not be such a terrible thing to endure.

Don't kid yourself
And don't fool yourself.
This love's too good to last,
And I'm too old to change.

Don't grow up too fast
And don't embrace the past.
This life's too good to last,
And I'm too young to care.

This life could be the last
And you're too young to see.